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When I’m asked what my fantasies are, my initial reaction is to come up with some sort of “standard” answer.  People have rape fantasies right?  Am I into that?  I think about it for a bit…I guess I could be.  People fantasize about being taken in an alley at night, from what I’ve read.  I could probably get into that also.  Or maybe, let’s take things out of the dark, would I like being pampered and massaged and bathed with oils and candles and rose petals?  Well yeah, sure, that sounds lovely.

But these aren’t fantasies to me.  They require to much effort to think about.  It’s like I have to come up with a screenplay: every word, movement, and action scripted.  Even more simple, fill-in-the-blank fantasies don’t register with me.  “I really want him to ____ while I ____.”  “I yearn to feel his ____ on/in my _____”.  Ok, sure, I’m filling in those blanks and getting a bit turned on right now, but there is a conscious effort involved that I personally don’t equate with fantasizing.  Scripted thoughts like these last a short amount of time and then always die off, no matter how intense they might be.  True fantasies, to me, never really go away.  The slightest trigger and I will instantly be off in dreamland, staring into space, probably blushing, and hoping no one around me sees me giggling and/or panting for no external reason.

So…want to know what I’m actually thinking about?

My ultimate fantasy is someone responding to all my random thoughts exactly the way I do.

Let me explain…

I live alone.  I’ve always been a very independent person.  I spend a lot of time by myself.  And I like it that way.  But, I talk to myself.  A lot.  More than others? I’m not sure, but I know I do it a lot.  Out loud.  I ask myself questions and I respond.  I have conversations.  This is partially why I blog, by the way.  It helps me feel less insane.  All my blogs are just written versions of me talking to myself.  And when I convince myself that someone else might read them then that makes me feel less crazy.

When I really like someone (Sir), they become the person I have my discussions with when I am alone.  Instead of talking to myself, I talk to them.  It’s incredibly helpful when I’m trying to make a decision, or when I’m trying to convince myself to do something that I don’t want to.  For some reason, the embodiment of them in my mind is more convincing than I am to myself.  (Does that even make sense?  Do other people do this? Now I’m genuinely curious if I sound like a lunatic.)

These moments, to me, are much more, um, fantastic, than your standard “fantasies”.  I like how organic they are.  How they can stem from the most random moments, and I can just keep building on them because I find them endlessly entertaining.  Sometimes my whole day will be one on-going fantasy.  And I love every moment of it.


Categories: Relationships

Miss Skaro

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