Now days, someone asks to fuck me, and I don’t bat an eye. I hear that everyday. There are no reservations, no “are they special enough?”, no wondering if my life will change. If I’ve got some free time, sure, fucking sounds fun. But now people ask me if I’d like to participate in other things. Kinky things.
And suddenly, I’m apprehensive.
Way back when, I thought sex was supposed to be reserved for special occasions. I thought I should only share myself with someone who proved to me that they were worth having in my life. But then things changed. I slept with a guy who I had no feelings for whatsoever. And you know what? I was ok with it. And I’m still ok with it. That’s part of my life. I casually sleep with people all the time and it feels perfectly natural to me. I can have a few hours of fun and get on with things without having to worry about all that relationship crap. And I like it that way.
Now that kink has become a big part of my life, though, I feel myself reverting back to those old feelings. Kink is still new and different and mysterious. It’s still reserved. I actually have to get to know you, be able to trust you, and really feel a desire to do the activity for it to be worthwhile. Kinky play makes me feel vulnerable, and that’s terrifying. I just can’t bring myself to do it on a whim.
I’m sure some of you out there understand where I’m coming from. I’m writing this for those who don’t realize that regular sex and kinky sex are very, very different for me. I definitely appreciate it when my vanilla prospects do their research on me, but my love of bondage doesn’t give you permission to bring your handcuffs. Just because I enjoy being choked and spanked doesn’t mean you can do that without asking. And don’t you dare think that my role as a sub gives you consent to talk to me like you own me. You don’t.
But I digress…my point wasn’t to berate those who don’t understand consent. I wanted to write because I have realized that a transition is happening. Just like I recognized that I can do casual sex, I’m realizing now I can’t do casual kinky sex. At least for now. And I don’t want to. It’s special and I want to keep it that way.