File this one under Ineffective Ways to Talk to Me. Other classics you can find in there are “Proofread, for fuck’s sake”, “I deserve more effort than Hey“, and my personal favorite, “How are you? annoys the shit out of me.”
I was chatting with a potential prospect the other day, and things were going decently until he broke out the dirty talk. Instead of getting all wet and excited, which I’m sure he was hoping for, the little bit of interest I had shifted completely. This happens a lot, and I haven’t really understood why until now. Being as introspective as I am, I can’t stand it when I don’t understand my reactions. So I had a nice deep look within myself, and I think I found an answer.
When talking with a prospective sexual partner, I expect conversations around what we like, what we don’t like, what our limits are, etc. I like being asked these questions objectively. For example, “Do you enjoy anal?” is a perfectly acceptable question. I think of it as going through a checklist of things we could possibly do. When I’m engaged in conversation like this, I’m honestly not turned on at all. Thing is, I am simply not turned on by someone I haven’t met in the flesh. I can look at pictures and say that a person is attractive, and that I might want to get to know them, but that’s all in my head. Getting all wet and excited about an idea requires my body to be involved. And my body doesn’t react unless it’s had a taste of the idea before.
If you come at me with something like, “I want to pound your ass so hard until you scream, would you like that?” you’re not turning me on, you’re more or less causing an internal conflict. My body doesn’t know what you feel like. Obviously I can imagine what that might be like, but it just won’t result in the way you’re expecting. That’s why you’ll get a response like “Sure, that sounds nice.” I do honestly try to get turned on by statements like that, but what ends up happening is that my body reverts to what it knows–I start thinking about him, because I know what he feels like. I start thinking about him pounding my ass, and I’ll go off into my daydream and get all wet and excited over him. Then you text me again, because I’ve seemingly dropped off the planet, and I have to snap back to reality. And then I feel really awkward because I’m supposed to be engaged in a conversation with you and instead I’m struggling to remind myself of who you are and why you’re talking to me at all. At that point I feel almost rude continuing a conversation with you, since I’ve just spent the better part of it thinking about someone else. So, in fairness, I usually drop out. And that’s why dirty talk doesn’t work.