When I began exploring casual sex, my profile said something along the lines of, “I do have a type, but I promise that I’m trying to explore beyond what I’m used to.”
Well, I’m either bad at keeping promises, or maybe I have a type for a reason.
One particular gentleman, over the course of several months, had made it a point to call me out on this. His first message was kind and thoughtful, and he included very logical reasons for why I should give him a chance. After a few weeks of not replying, he reached out to me again, insisting that he had the qualities I desired, and reminding me that I had made a promise. This continued a few more times, and each message got increasingly aggressive towards me and the fact that I had still not replied to him. In the last message I received, he told me off for not keeping my promise and essentially scolded me for my bad behavior.
The first point I want to address is why I never replied. I constantly go back and forth on whether I should reply to people or not. Sometimes I feel really considerate and I’ll reply to everyone, even if it’s just to say that I’m not interested. I’m grateful for those who accept this and move on. But there are always some who confuse any sort of acknowledgement with interest, and they see my reply as an invitation to continue pursuing me, no matter what I actually said. This obviously gets awkward on my end, and it causes me to shift towards not replying to anyone unless I actually am interested. Could I have saved myself from this string of messages if I had just replied in the first place? Possibly. But I believe that the lack of a reply should be taken as a reply in itself. And either way, whether I disengage verbally or silently, I don’t understand why someone would continue to make an effort on me when I have clearly not made an effort on them.
The bigger topic here, though, is the overwhelming idea that I am obligated to give everyone a chance. I do write a lot about what I look for in people, and I appreciate it when people pay attention to those things, but getting 100% on my entrance exam doesn’t mean you win a date with me. I’ve joked with friends that I should actually create some sort of form for people to fill out, and believe me, the programmer in me likes this idea very much. But when I stop and think about the people I AM attracted to, there is always something beyond my basic standards that I can never quite explain. And as much as I’d like it to be, it’s not something I can easily test for.
Of course, a lot of this has to do with the fact that I am incredibly introverted. I HAVE to see that extra spark in someone for me to consider them at all, otherwise I am perfectly content just going about my business. I have a really hard time justifying the effort and risk of meeting a new person when I don’t see potential right away. Could I have missed out on dozens of amazing opportunities because of this? Well, yeah. But you know what? I kinda don’t give a fuck.
So for this particular gentleman, I never replied because I never saw anything special about him. Yes, he did have a lot of qualities I like, but that extra something simply wasn’t there.
And for anyone who asks, “what can I do to make you interested in me?” I’m sorry but I can’t give you answer. There is no magic formula. I’m either attracted to you or I’m not. Sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes the planets aren’t aligned right. Sometimes my introversion makes me not want to deal with new people at all. Sometimes I feel really adventurous and up for new experiences. So I guess you just have to take your chances and see what happens.
I ended up taking that line off of my profile. My intent with it was to be more receptive of people who had different body types, different interests, and different backgrounds than I was used to, but I feel like it got skewed into this idea that I would openly disregard how much or how little I am actually attracted to people. I can’t promise that I’ll give you a chance if I’m not attracted to you. That’s just silly. I’m not going to promise anything anymore because someone out there somewhere is going to skew my words into some strange obligation and then they’ll berate me for not living up to it. And I’m not letting go of my “type” either. Maybe now I have a looser definition of it, as far as physical characteristics go, but my type is still someone who has that innate ability to catch my interest and actually hold my attention. I’m sorry I can’t tell you exactly what that means, but I’m glad that there are a few people out there who have figured it out.