Or, Why I’m not looking for sex (right now).
Just like “unicorn”, the word “slut” has different meanings to me. There are versions of these words that I identify with, and they both convey images that I try to embody. But these words also have meanings that do not fit well with who I am and who I’m trying to be.
“Slut: a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.”
I found this quote back when I started this blog. It was particularly powerful for me then, because it gave me a solid foundation on which to (re)build myself. At the time I had been shamed by someone I cared about for doing something that brought me incredible pleasure. The reason I was shamed for it? Because I took my clothes off. Because I let someone touch me. Up until I added those details, this person was happy for me too. But as soon as I made it known that nudity and some degree of erotic touch was involved, everything flipped and he instantly put me down for it. I know I’ve mentioned this moment multiple times in my writing, but I talk about it a lot because it was one of the hardest moments of my life. It was when I had to choose between this guy and what I wanted to do with my body. Obviously I chose the latter.
I identified as a slut then because I eagerly sought more opportunities like that one. I wanted more people to see me, more people to touch me. I wanted that exhilaration of exposing myself to people I didn’t necessarily know very well. So I looked into communities where I could openly ask for what I wanted, and I got it. I’ve met and hooked up with a lot of people. And it’s been great. It’s been a journey, but it’s been great.
But the thing about journeys is that the destination often gets lost. It gets redefined. Where you set out to go isn’t always where you end up. I set out to be the type of slut that’s defined as “a person with many sexual partners.” I thought I’d be the girl in the center of the gangbang, the girl who could count cum as another food group, the girl who smiles through smeared makeup, the girl that has a story about every type of guy you can think of. I thought I wanted to be the type of girl who just can’t get enough cock. Because this is also what I think of when I hear “slut.” But that isn’t me. I’m not THAT kind of slutty.
What I’ve discovered in this process is that I’m not in it for the sex. I’m in it for the exhibitionism. My pleasure mostly comes from people just seeing me. That’s why I post a lot of pictures, that’s why I accept all friends, that’s why I’m on Tumblr, that’s why I have this blog. I enjoy having an audience. I get a lot of pleasure from your comments and your compliments. (No, I don’t get off from them. I think there’s this idea floating around that pleasure = orgasms. Pleasure is simply “enjoyment or satisfaction derived from what is to one’s liking.” It doesn’t mean I have to cum.) Even with this redefinition, I think I’m still living up to the first quote, because I’m still expressing myself sexually even if I’m not actually having sex. And I’m still seeking and gaining pleasure in my own way.
Now, all that said, I still love sex. I’m still open to meeting people and seeing where things go. If we’ve been talking and I’ve expressed interest in sleeping with you, I still am. I’m not trying to confuse anyone here. I’m still receptive, I’m just not actively seeking new people to fuck.
So why the change of heart? This isn’t a sudden decision, I’ve actually been feeling this way for a few months. I guess what it comes down to is that I’m tired of having sex that doesn’t do anything for me, which tends to happen when I’m not enthusiastic about the other person. Because I started this journey with a “just see what happens” mindset, I often got together with people I wasn’t particularly excited about. It was almost a rule of mine, because I didn’t want to get attached to people, I just wanted to rack up experiences. And while I’m proud of myself for branching out and meeting these people, the truth is that the mediocre sex kinda ruined it for me.
I still have a very high libido, that hasn’t changed at all. But I’ve found that my sex drive isn’t satisfied by fucking. It’s satisfied by simply being part of a community of sexually-deviant people. I like witnessing what all you kinky fuckers get up to. I like seeing your pictures and reading your stories and sharing my own pictures and stories. With that, plus being with the few people I actually enjoy sleeping with, I have found a really good way to expressing my sexuality. So if I’m going to identify with any quote about being a slut, it would be “be a slut, do whatever you want.” This balance between sharing pictures and thoughts with my followers and sharing my body intimately with a few special people, this is me doing what I want.