If you can’t immediately explain why someone is in your life, you should probably re-evaluate why they’re there at all.
I brought this up in a recent discussion with a close friend. I think this applies to any sort of relationship, but it becomes more important as the relationship becomes more intimate. I’m probably a bit fervent on this opinion–I’m pretty adamant about needing good reasons for adding people to my life. I’m not the kind of person to have someone around ‘just because’, or for a reason not my own. It’s a waste of time. If they aren’t adding some value, then I don’t need them. I’m a minimalist.
I think there are two approaches to explaining why you’re happy with someone. On one hand you have tangible reasons, and on the other hand you have abstract feelings. Both are important. I feel like there’s a rational aspect to happiness, and I’m happier when things make sense logically, so I need details that I can grasp. But I also realize that happiness is an emotion, and that means that there are things that you just feel, even if you can’t explain them well.
Examples are helpful. So, a few of the reasons I’m so happy with Sir:
- He tells me I’m important and special to him.
- He always makes sure I’m comfortable (i.e., not cold).
- I get to dress up for him.
- The sex is amazing.
- I can say how I’m feeling without being judged.
- I never feel pressured.
- He owns up to mistakes and fixes them.
- He makes me feel safe.
- He adapts to my needs.
- He likes quality things and I get spoiled.
…I could go on. But also:
He just feels good. This is the part I can’t explain well. I feel really good around him. I feel whole and cared for. His presence is always warm and inviting, and nothing ever feels forced or obligated. Our relationship is simple and genuine, which makes me very happy.
I think it’s important to run through this sort of evaluation on a regular basis. I never want to be in a relationship where I’m not satisfied with my partner; I would much rather not be with anyone than be with someone who isn’t giving me what I need. Seems like a straightforward concept, right? Well, like I said this concept came up while I was talking with a friend. She’s been going through some relationship issues, so I asked her why she was with her partner at all. I wanted to know what it is that makes her want to stay with him, despite the current issues. She said she wasn’t sure, and I found that incredibly perplexing. It really doesn’t make sense to me why someone would stay with a partner when they can’t define what that partner does for them. I mean, that would make the relationship either completely neutral or detrimental, right? And what’s the point in that? To me it’s just adding unnecessary complications to your life. I know it’s entirely possible to work through issues and redefine or rediscover what is it that made you get together with your partner in the first place, but I think it’s also important to understand that these issues might be signs that you’re just not meant to be together.
(I don’t mean to call out my friend with this post, as I’ve actually heard this from several people. Her situation just happened to be the most recent and I felt like sharing my thoughts on it.)