The vast majority of you are incredibly respectful of my relationship. I get a lot of messages saying, “You seem really happy”, “He’s lucky to have you”, “I’m glad you found each other” and the like. Those make me smile. Thank you. Hugs.
But…there are a few situations I’d like to expand on:
“I know you’re with him now, but once you’re not, hit me up.”
I get what you’re trying to say. You’re stating that you don’t want to encroach on anyone’s territory while said territory is still pertinent, and you’re also expressing your desire to have a chance at me. Now, I know relationships don’t last forever and I’m also aware that I’m pretty alluring. But you’re essentially slapping an expiration date on our relationship, and that’s just not cool.
Here are some excerpts from my last message like this:
“No intent to be a play partner because you have a sir…you can’t visit [my town] because you are with SIR [his capitalization]…I can host your single friend until you are sirless.”
Disregarding his comment about my single friend, which honestly came out of nowhere, he went out of his way to sound respectful (with emphasis) and then undercut it with this insulting “until you are sirless” bullshit. Not even IF, it was UNTIL, like he’s just sitting out there waiting to pounce. And I’ve never heard anyone use “sirless” before. It sounds so…diminishing. Like he’s reduced my relationship to something I could just give up and move on from like it’s nothing.
When you’re talking to someone you don’t know, it can be really disrespectful to assume the direction their relationship is going. You know how awkward it can be when someone approaches a young couple and asks, “so when are you two getting married?” Yeah. It’s just as awkward when you assume the relationship is going in the other direction. You never really know what’s going on between the two people unless you know them intimately. Maybe they’ve been together three weeks and are already thinking of going their separate ways, or maybe they’ve been together 30 years and they’ll only be ended by death. And the labels they choose shouldn’t make a difference either. You should approach someone’s Dom/sub relationship the same way you’d approach a Master/slave relationship, which is the same way you should approach people who are play partners–no matter what they are to each other you won’t know their history and you can’t assume that you’ll have any influence on their future.
“Oh I just noticed you’re taken, I’ll leave you alone now.”
This never ceases to mystify me. I’ll exchange a couple messages with someone, then they realize I’m with Sir and they’re like, “Oh shit I’m sorry I’ll stop talking to you now.” Really? Did your recognition of my relationship suddenly render me ineligible to interface with? Granted, I’m notorious for ditching conversations early, but that’s because I get bored easily and am generally uninterested in chatting. But these guys drop out because they assume my dynamic with Sir means that I shouldn’t be talking with them.
I’ll attribute this to all those profiles that say “You must ask my <whatever> before talking to me!” For people who have that, your protocol is your protocol, but if someone tried to make that a rule for me, I’d be hightailing it right out of there. And I’m not saying that because I have some secret wish to undermine Sir or do something behind his back, I’m saying that because I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions about who I talk to. I don’t need a babysitter to go through all my messages, especially when 99% of those messages don’t amount to anything. Now, if I were to engage in some sort of advanced interaction with a third party, if I actually wanted to integrate them into my life, then of course I’d have a conversation with Sir about it. At that point it would become something he should know about and that I would want his approval of.
What I don’t get about this scenario is that the guy will leave the conversation thinking that he’s done something wrong by talking to me. Even if I had that bogus protocol in my relationship, the fault would be on ME for participating, not on him for neglecting to ask for Sir’s permission. I can’t expect an outsider to know all these rules, no matter how large and red of a font I use on my profile.
So, in conclusion, if you’re going to approach me about my relationship, the easiest way to be respectful is to take the neutral path. Just be courteous. Don’t make assumptions about things you don’t know, and if you’re unsure of protocols, it never hurts to ask.