It’s the two year anniversary of my blog, The Slutty Sage.
Nowadays I look at that name and I feel like it doesn’t fit. It speaks of an identity I wanted back then. One that I don’t want now.
I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it, but I’ve contemplated doing escort work for years. It’s always been a weird fantasy of mine. I never wanted to actually get into it, but the idea has never faded. I think I got into the casual sex scene as a way to live out that fantasy without the complications of money and legality. I treated people like clients, and I treated dates like business transactions. I idealized the kind of woman who could have intimate relationships with all sorts of people, even if those relationships were paid by the hour. That’s why I made an effort to meet people who weren’t my type. I wasn’t dating them, I was offering my services. It didn’t matter if I liked them, as long as we were decent human beings to each other I could spend a few hours with them, and hopefully have some fun in the process.
Operating that way was fulfilling, it really was. It satisfied a particular persona of mine. I was acting out a fantasy that was very real and very much a part of me. If I got to do what “she” wanted to do, then I was happy because she was getting to do her thing. It didn’t matter that I didn’t completely agree with her desires. (I’m sure that made a ton of sense. I’d say it’s similar to being happy for a loved one because they’re doing something that makes them happy, even when that particular thing doesn’t move you at all.)
But eventually it got to a point where I wasn’t feeling happy for her anymore. I was tired of subjecting my time to people who I didn’t really care for just so she could get her kicks.
She’s the slut. She’s the one this blog was named after. She’s still here but, I’ve….demoted her. I think she tried to overstep her role too much. I’m the lead. She’s a supporting character. Her presence is necessary and important but once she tries to step into my limelight the whole show gets thrown out of whack.
When I look at the name of this blog, it reminds of how she wanted to be the star. It feels wrong because she’s not running this show, I am. She gets her spotlight every now and then but it’s pretty clear that this blog is no longer all about her.
However, I suppose I should treat “The Slutty Sage” as an homage to her. She opened up a lot of doors for me, all for the better. And I’ll always be grateful for that.
So Happy Anniversary to…us.