About two months ago I announced my return to the casual scene. I went there, I met some people, and I came back out. I think I feel most comfortable on the fringe of that society. Occasionally I might dip in to check if there’s anything new and interesting floating around, but I don’t see myself staying in for any long period of time.
Whenever I go back there I feel a weird pressure from most of the inhabitants. Yes, pressure to have sex–not in the violation/assault/rape sort of way–just pressure to have completely consensual sex.
Let me explain.
Say I agree to meet someone for a coffee date. This means they’ve piqued my interest enough to warrant an in-person meeting. I need this initial meeting because I need to see if our auras mingle well. I need to see if I’m comfortable in their presence. But I feel like a lot of people see the coffee date as an obligation. It’s like they assume I’ve said yes to sex because I’ve said yes to meeting them, so they go through with the coffee date just because it’s something that decent people should do.
I usually enjoy coffee dates, I really do. I like talking with new people. I like new stories and new perspectives. But there’s a difference between being attentive and being attracted to someone. I can have a wonderful time on a date and have no intention whatsoever of actually sleeping with that person.
The end of the date is when I feel the pressure. “So what’s next?” they ask. They’re clearly giving me a choice, although it’s just as clear which choice they want me to make. All the while I’m putting pressure on myself internally. I think, “I don’t feel attracted to this person, but I had a fun time, so shouldn’t I at least see what happens?”
It’s when I give in to that voice that I end up having sex that isn’t particularly satisfying. Yes it’s still fun. But I walk away wondering if it was something I actually wanted, or if I just did it because I felt like I should.
I want to want it.
I’m trying to embrace the idea of enthusiastic consent. I know I definitely enjoy sex a lot more when I actually want it versus when I just let it happen. I’m trying to only say yes to people who I’m genuinely attracted to, because it makes a world of difference to me.