I wish there were more sex-positive pieces that advocated finding sexual pleasure beyond orgasms.
I understand that there are people out there who have not been properly educated about their bodies and the pleasure their body is capable of achieving. I understand that there are people out there who have never experienced a partner who cared about their pleasure. I understand that these pieces are intended for those people.
I absolutely agree that if you’ve never experienced an orgasm, you should do all the exploring you need to in order to figure out how to achieve climax. It’s one of the wonderful parts of being alive. I also agree that if you have only had partners who use you for sex (and not in the kinky way), then you should either speak up for your own pleasure in your relationship or seek better partners.
And I’m not saying that doing that is easy. I understand that a lot of people struggle with finding their sexual identity.
But once you figure yourself out, your sexual pleasure is under your control. That’s an incredibly powerful feeling. You’ll figure out how to find what you need, and how to find partners who will join you on your journey.
I like to think that I’m pretty self-actualized (at least as much as someone in their mid twenties can claim to be), and that includes my understanding of my sexual identity. One thing that I’ve learned about myself is that I do not care about having an orgasm. I know right? I’m weird. I’m probably in the minority for feeling this way, but I’m sure I’m not the only one.
It’s something I’ve been very self-conscious about. I get the impression that a lot of people need to achieve climax in order to have a complete sexual experience. I’ve never felt that way. It’s gotten to my head so much that I feel like I’ve been having sex wrong.
Before I go any further, yes I know who to orgasm. Go watch my videos if you need proof. I have very strong, body quaking orgasms. And I usually go for 3 or 4 per session. It’s awesome.
Thing is, I only usually have them when I masturbate. When I’m alone, achieving climax is my goal. But when I’m with another person, I honestly couldn’t care less.
I suppose saying that I don’t care about having an orgasm is a bit negative. To put a positive spin on it, I’d say that I care more about achieving a different kind of sexual pleasure. The kind of pleasure I seek isn’t defined by that heart-racing, pussy throbbing feeling, as amazing as it is. The kind of pleasure I seek is more mental, more transcendent, and longer lasting.
You’ve seen those graphs of sexual arousal, right? You’ve probably seen them in terms of comparing and contrasting male and females. If you’re not familiar, check out this link.
I’m usually the red line in the female graph. The one that hits a plateau but never peaks. The article itself says that this type of arousal often leads to sexual frustration, but I don’t find this arousal pattern frustrating at all. It’s what I seek. I want that plateau to last as long as possible. It’s like a high to me. I want my partner to keep me in that state for as long as they can and then gently let me return from it. I don’t seek orgasms because a peak means I have to come down. Even if I peak multiple times, I don’t want to come down. I want to stay at that plateau.
So whenever I read a piece that says orgasms are the be all and end all of sexual pleasure, I feel left out. I get the idea that the type pleasure I seek is wrong. Usually I’m ok with battling that negative voice; I know that my pleasure is my pleasure and I shouldn’t let anyone else try to define it, but the lack of awareness makes it difficult sometimes.
If there’s anyone else out there who feels the same way I do, I think we need a voice. There’s been a big push for the importance of female pleasure, but not all females achieve pleasure the same way. There’s more to pleasing a partner than figuring out if she likes oral or not. There’s more than learning how to rub her clit the right way. There’s more than making her squirt.
I think it’s important to really figure out what you find pleasurable. That might take years or a lifetime of introspection, and it’s likely to change over time. But whatever you end up finding, you should celebrate it.