I’ve been struggling with the thought that I’m not as sexual as I’m “supposed to be.”
First off, I know that the whole “supposed to be” concept is pretty bullshit in its own right. If you know me at all, you’ll know that I’m a big advocate of doing whatever you want regardless of what everyone else thinks. But that doesn’t mean I’m immune to the influence and pressures of society.
I can easily go months without sex. I don’t like saying that because I know I’ll get comments like “what’s the matter?” or “I can’t believe it!”, which are super annoying and make me feel like I’m doing something wrong. I used to say I have a high libido and I don’t even know if that’s true anymore. I don’t know if I’m qualified to say I have a high sex drive if there are periods in my life where I’m nearly abstinent.
Of course, I’m talking about sex with other people. I masturbate a lot, pretty much daily. I watch porn. I read and watch a lot of material about sex. I do my photoshoots which are often erotic. I take lots of pictures and make videos. I enjoy doing these things and I feel like they are great forms of sexual expression.
But there’s this nagging feeling that doing those things isn’t “enough.”
It’s especially hard when so much of my social sphere is dominated by kinksters and poly-enthusiasts and just generally sexually-liberated people. Everyone is so open about sharing their sex lives, which is awesome, but it means that I’m constantly bombarded with stories and photos of them fucking while I’m alone in my apartment doing yoga and watching YouTube. I realize that social media is a horribly inaccurate representation of real life; I know that what I’m seeing is only a glimpse into people’s lives and I know that they aren’t constantly in sexual situations. I know these things to be true and yet I still feel like I’m somehow inadequate because I’m choosing not to participate in similar activities.
Plus there’s added pressure that I’ve put on myself. I had set out a few years ago to explore with more sexual partners. I tried it for a while and I realized that it wasn’t as satisfying as I wanted it to be. Most of the time I have the emotional maturity and cognitive strength to say, “I tried that and it just didn’t work out”, but there’s part of me that categorizes it as a failure. That’s why I still occasionally hook up with people. It’s like I can’t let go of that stage of my life. I keep trying every now and again, hoping that I’ll have some amazing experience that will offset all the time that I feel like I wasted.
I think what it comes down to is that I really like sex, I just don’t like people very much. I need this weird quasi-spiritual connection to someone to be remotely sexually interested in them. Finding that is incredibly rare. I actually feel very fortunate that there are a handful of people who I have this connection with.
Thing is, I don’t get to see these people very often. That is the reality of my life and theirs; I’m not sad about it, that’s just how it is. I can be pretty insatiable when they’re around, but when they’re not, I simply have little to no motivation to seek sexual stimulation from anyone else.
But then I feel like that lack of motivation makes me unattractive. I feel like I’m less sexually desirable because seeking other sexual partners isn’t high on my priority list. I feel like so many people see sex as the best thing ever and the fact that I don’t agree with that and that I’m not constantly wanting sex is blasphemy. I’m here seeking things I think are important, like, I don’t know, enlightenment and shit. But there always has to be some asshole around, ruining my parade by saying something like, “but don’t you like being fucked?”
I try not to listen to said assholes, yet I wonder if they have a point. Most of the time I know exactly what I want and what I don’t want, but comments like that make me wonder if I’m missing something.