If you’re ever compelled to write someone and ask if they’re getting tired of their current relationship, please don’t.
This is in response to a recent message I received.
As you might know, I am morbidly curious about how people start conversations with strangers. I’ve seen a lot. I’ve learned not to take things personally, and I’m generally not offended by much. If anything I just end up questioning their strategies: I often find myself asking, “were they expecting that to work?”
But there is a certain type of message that gets me really riled up. They usually sound something like this:
If you ever get tired of being with him, let me know. I’ll treat you better and give you the attention you deserve.
I cannot stand it when my relationship is treated like something that I’ll just throw away one day. “When you get tired of him…” Ugh. We’re talking about a person here. A relationship. Something that I have invested A LOT of time and effort into. And you’re treating it like an old sweater or something. An old sweater that you want to rip off just because you want to fuck me. You don’t care that I’ve spent years knitting that sweater to perfection. You don’t care about all the emotional value it holds. You don’t care about the stories behind the patches or why there are holes and fraying ends that haven’t been mended yet. You just want to get it off of me because you think you can offer something better.
And of course you have to bring up that we’re in an LDR. You’re expecting me to choose you over him because of what, convenience? I suppose you have a point: long-distance relationships are hard. It’s hard not seeing him every day like I’d like to. It’s hard when I’m feeling down and need a cuddle and he’s not there. It’s hard when I’m excited about something and I want to share but he’s not there. It’s hard when I stress myself out because I overthink everything and he’s not there. Long distance relationships are very difficult. And I think it is completely valid and reasonable for someone to want out of an LDR because they simply can’t handle the distance. But have you given any thought as to why I’ve chosen to maintain it? Why I’ve chosen to stay in this relationship despite the difficulties? It’s because I WANT it. I want HIM.
You go on to insinuate that he doesn’t treat me well. That he doesn’t cherish me and that you will. You say that you’ll care for me so much better than he does. But all you’re doing is demonstrating that you don’t care. You’re telling me that you haven’t listened to me at all. I have never said anything about being unhappy with him, so why do you think I am? Are you just going on the chance that it’s possible? Are you hoping that I’ve been lying about our relationship this entire time? That I’m secretly miserable and that all I want is for some mysterious (but local!) stranger to take me away from this wretched part of my life?
…Alright, I’m getting ranty. I’ll stop.
Like I said, I usually let most messages slide. But if you disrespect my relationship I’m going to get defensive. I’m going to protect it because it matters to me.
Do I get these often? No, thankfully. But I’ve gotten enough of them to seriously question people’s judgment. Going off of this guy’s activity he seems to have been offline for a while, so perhaps he doesn’t follow me that closely. Perhaps he looked at the top of my profile and thought, “she’s still in the same relationship that she was in last time I looked, maybe I should see if she’s ready to get out of it.” Maybe? I’m really struggling to come up with a scenario that is both logical and respectful here. I really want there to be a good reason for why this occurred but I’m not sure I’ll get my answer.
So…general advice? Don’t do this. Don’t ask people if they’re ready to be done with their current relationship just because you want to be next in line. You’re not doing yourself any favors by disrespecting someone’s current choices. You’re just making yourself look foolish and untrustworthy. And that will ruin your chances for sure.