Lately it seems like nothing makes me cringe more than the words, “I want you to cum.”
(Yes, this is another post about my weird relationship with orgasms…)
I listened to a podcast the other day that was all about orgasms. The women talked about orgasms from both clinical and personal perspectives, as they were attempting to educate as well as entertain. They spoke of statistics I already knew, like how a lot of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone. They talked about how to find the g-spot. They talked about how squirting isn’t peeing. They talked about one could achieve an anal orgasm. All of this I had heard hundreds of times before.
And they talked about their personal experiences. One woman in particular seemed to be able to orgasm from anything. If I recall correctly, she mentioned that she could climax while driving just by seeing someone attractive on the side of the road…
In all, the discussion was fascinating and humorous and entertaining, but yet I found myself feeling horrible. It got to a point where I was physically shaking and actually had to turn the podcast off because I couldn’t listen any longer. These women were having so much fun talking about all the exciting orgasms they’ve had and all I could think was, “that’s not what it’s like for me.”
Everyone talks about orgasms being a form of release but to me they feel like confinement. When I hear “I want you to cum” I don’t feel like letting go, I feel like I’m being forced into a cage. I feel like you’re telling me, “I want you to experience pleasure…but I’ll only accept it if you force an endorphin release and some muscle spasms.”
And then my mind goes haywire. Am I supposed to want to be in that cage? I was having a great time roaming around outside, exploring all the lovely ways you make me feel. But then you say those words and I feel like you’ve trapped me. I feel like you’ve chained me down and you’re asking me to force my body into convulsions for your entertainment. Like some sort of sideshow freak.
The part I dread most about sex is the bit that is focused on me. I’m not a huge fan of being eaten out because I feel like I never respond properly. Yes, it feels great. But there comes a point where I think, “Oh shit, he’s been down there a while. I think I’m supposed to cum from this? Ok, what should I do? Move my hips more. Start moaning. Make him think I’m more into it than I am. Heck, maybe I’ll even convince myself.”
When I do cum in those situations it feels very artificial. Not fake per se…but it’s like I’m not participating at my full capacity. I get to a point where I realize I’m not getting out of the cage so I have to make due with what I have. It’s like I want to experience an epiphany but I am confined to having a mediocre idea. Worse yet I know what the epiphany feels like I know I’m settling for a feeling that is nowhere near as profound.
And I’m supposed to find that pleasurable?