I was contemplating a new writing just now, but then that thought struck me.
The thought that always stops me from going through with my original plan.
Will this be it?
Will this be the time I finally reveal something that is too much? That goes too far?
I spend an awful lot of time digging into the depths of my being. Analyzing myself. Critiquing myself. Trying to figure out my motives and desires. Trying to peel back all the layers of my actions to see what really drives me.
Sometimes I make discoveries. Epiphanies, if you will. New thoughts that make me think, “Oh, maybe that’s why I’m like that…”
And I want to tell you. Because I love you and I want to tell you everything.
At first I’m so excited, almost jumping up and down like a little kid going, “Look! Look what I found!”
But then I start planning my words. I start laying out my thoughts and that’s inevitably when doubt starts rushing in.
This thing I found…you’re not going to like it. I think I’ve discovered a trait of mine that is undesirable to you.
And then I get stuck.
Because I keep finding pieces of myself that, on their own, I don’t think you would want in a partner. It’s like I’m putting together a puzzle not knowing what the final image will be. And even though I’m solving it as a whole, the sections that I’m revealing aren’t even close to what I was expecting to see.
So I can’t help wondering how many of these undesirable qualities you can take. How many of these can I discover and reveal before you turn me away because I’ve become something you never wanted in the first place.
I don’t know where that tipping point is. Or if there even is one.
So every time something new comes up I’m forced to ask,
Will this be it?