So. Hi. I’m sure you’re wondering what’s been up. Or maybe I’m just being narcissistic and you haven’t cared. Or maybe you’re reading this and you have no idea who I am so you have no idea what I’m talking about. Well, anyway…I’m Miss Skaro…I was here for a while and then I left without any real explanation. I’ve slowing been inching my way back…honestly I’ve been working on writing this piece for a few months now. It’s been incredibly difficult for me to maintain the right mindset for what I want to say. I’ve been writing and deleting and writing and deleting and walking away and coming back and walking away and coming back more times than I can remember.
I’m not sure whether I am writing this more for myself or for you. I feel like I owe you an explanation. I’ve been so open with things in the past that it feels uncharacteristic of me to just vanish like I did. But it’s been hard for me to say what I want to say. These particular thoughts tend to spiral quite quickly and it’s nearly impossible to keep up. So forgive me if this reads a bit disorganized.
Where to begin…
Figuring out that I’m demisexual has been both a blessing and a curse. Realizing that there is actually terminology for how I experience the world has been incredibly relieving. I cannot even begin to describe how misunderstood I have felt over the last few years. I don’t know how to explain the levels of anxiety and depression that I’ve had to fight through. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about walking away from my entire life because I felt so alienated. But then I found that word and it resonated with me so deeply, I felt like I finally had something tangible to work with. Finally I had a short, precise way of describing my perspective. Finally I had found a way to ground myself in a world where I had been feeling very, very lost.
I do not experience primary sexual attraction.
It seems like such a simple concept, looking back on it now. I’m sure the idea had been within me the entire time, and I’ve probably even stated it myself with different words, but it truly didn’t click with me until I saw it written out like that. There were so many times that I fell into depressive episodes because I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling a certain way, or why I wanted this, or why I didn’t want that. But I took that statement and placed it at the root those feelings and finally I felt grounded. Finally I felt like I could say “this is why.” And I finally felt like I wasn’t alone. The very presence of a word and a definition meant that other people could relate to me, or at least recognize that my experience is real. Finally I started to feel like I wasn’t crazy.
However, the more comfortable I became with being demi, the more uncomfortable I became in the various communities I’ve been apart of for the last few years. Because I don’t experience primary sexual attraction, I also don’t experience any desire to seek out sexual opportunities. I just don’t. The motivation doesn’t exist. And I don’t mean it in a depressive “I have no desire” way, I mean I literally don’t experience it. It’s like me having no motivation to buy a steak as a vegetarian. I don’t even go into that part of the grocery store.
As you can imagine, it is really difficult to have that sort of perspective in communities that are essentially built around sex. I quit the swinger scene after my brief stint because I fundamentally felt like I did not belong there. I don’t understand the need to go looking for sex. I really don’t. I think I was there because I was trying…I felt like I should want to find sex but when it happened it usually wasn’t that good. It left me feeling really confused, wondering why people were so into it when it gave me so little. Honestly most of the times I hooked up with people all I felt was like I had a cock in my mouth (or my vag or whatever). Occasionally the other person would stimulate the right nerve endings and it would feel good but only in a mechanical way. I tried to get myself to like it, but I never felt like I enjoyed it enough to want it. I could stimulate my own nerve endings much more efficiently and trigger the same sort of release so why would I need to find another person to do it?
I left the swinger scene prior to coming out as demi, but it wasn’t until then that I forgave myself for it. In the interim I thought several times about going back and trying it again, thinking maybe I’ll have a breakthrough and finally realize what people have been talking about. I felt really guilty for leaving. I felt like I was quitting, giving up on something that I should be doing. For some reason I felt like a better person because I was having a lot of casual sex and I was choosing to walk away from that. Only after acknowledging my demisexuality did I feel like my leaving was justified.
Of course that was a while ago. The more current situation, and the real reason behind this writing, is why I left Fet.
Ultimately it comes down to the same reasoning. Fet became overwhelming for me. There was so much emphasis on sex and so much unwanted energy directed towards me that it just became too much. I’ve written a lot about the various vulgar messages I’ve gotten. I hope anyone with a little decency can understand why getting those are irritating. I used to play them off; I found them entertaining in a weird sort of way. But I think deep down they were bothering me a lot more than I was letting on. On the surface they may have just been creepy messages from creepy dudes on the internet but what really bothered me was that I could not figure out the motivation behind them. As much as I like to think I am empathetic, I simply cannot understand why someone would have the desire to perform some sort of sexual act on a person they don’t know, let alone tell the person what they want to do. I just don’t get it.
And I’ve tried to figure it out. I really have. Because I do experience sexual desire, quite strongly actually. I’ve tried to take that feeling and put it between me and a stranger, or even between me and a person I find attractive. And it just doesn’t work. It’s all hypothesis and no craving. I can feel my brain trying to shove a square peg in a round hole (pun not intended). I. Don’t. Get. It. I don’t understand how people do that. I don’t understand why people want that. I have never understood when people say they are sexually frustrated; I don’t experience that. I don’t understand getting all pent up because for whatever reason you can’t have sex. That doesn’t happen for me. I don’t understand wanting sex for the sake of sex.
It got really bad. Nearly anything even possibly related to sex started triggering me. A discussion about a hypothetical date just to get to know another couple sent me into the bathroom at work to cry. I remember shaking uncontrollably and losing my focus on pretty much everything for the next few days. Someone else mentioned they wanted a threesome with us and all I felt was a pit in my stomach. That person messaged me, and even though it was a perfectly decent message, it tipped me over the edge. I knew they were just trying to get to know me but I also knew they were interested in me sexually and that was enough.
That was enough to make me feel like I didn’t belong. That was enough to make me feel like I was not meant for this type of community. I couldn’t handle it any more. Although I loved the popularity I had on Fet I hated all of the sexual attention. I even started having a reaction to the word “sexy”. It was no longer a compliment to me. It just reminded me of how people look at me and they think of sex and how I don’t look at people that way. Every interaction just made me feel more and more different. Every day I felt more and more broken.
That’s why I left.
My mental health was in such a bad state that I had no choice. I was willing to walk away from all the good that Fet brought me because the bad was that bad. I even prepared myself to be broken up with at that point. I felt so alone. I felt so incompatible with people in general that I figured I’d better stop pretending and just get on with my life of isolation because that’s all I’ll ever have.
Leaving was weird at first. It sounds so dumb to say it now, but I put so much time into my internet persona that when I chose to diminish her the real me was left wondering what to do. It did get better though, slowly. I have more hobbies now and more plans for what I want to do in the future. But it’s still a struggle. Like I said at the beginning, I have been trying to write this for a long time. Admitting all this is extremely difficult.
So, with all that said, why would I want to go back? It has taken me quite a while to make this decision, but what it comes down to is that my work requires an audience, and Fet is where the majority of my followers reside.
I will be making some changes though. I’m not going to do cam girl type material anymore (i.e. no more masturbation/sex videos). Part of my frustration has been that I get more attention for that than for the material I actually enjoy making. I’m not interested in sharing the intimate and personal aspects of my life anymore. I feel like doing so has given people the wrong impression of me, and that’s basically what caused this whole situation. I’ll probably take down my old videos as well.
However I still enjoy showing off. I’m incredibly vain and I like looking at myself so I’m going to keep making material that caters to that. I know I can’t stop people from reacting to my content in their own way; I know I will still get a lot of the same sexual attention that bothers me so much, but at least I will be making content I enjoy instead of content that I’ve been pressured to make. I’m sure I’ve lost a lot of followers already and I’ll probably lose more now, but I’d rather have an audience that I actually want to be in front of.
I’m also retiring this blog. It will still be accessible but this will be the last post. I’m sure I’ll continue writing somewhere else, but this chapter needs to close.
Thanks for listening.